Tag Archives: Mary M. McCambridge

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Dealing with the Homicide of a Loved One

Real Perspectives LogoAs many of you may know, many years ago my former husband’s daughter was murdered at the age of 11. This brought us on an 18 year journey to find her killer and another two years to see him brought to justice.

Recently I was a guest on LaTonya Moore’s radio show, Real Perspectives, where the conversation moved into how to not only handle grief after a murder, but other advice for how to more effectively move through the grieving process regardless of how your loved one died.

If you are dealing with the homicide death of a loved one, you may wish to listen in here.

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Memorial Day 2014

276240_100000410189176_563033050_nEach year when this day rolls around, I am reminded of all the sacrifice a family makes when their loved one goes away to protect the freedoms we Americans enjoy each day.

And while I’m so amazed at what it takes to be in the military and fight overseas with the constant threat of being killed, if they’re in a combat situation, I feel it’s also important to recognize the sacrifices a family makes throughout the entire tour.

A spouse who is left to raise a young family by themselves perhaps on a military base. The inadequate stipend they are given to raise that family. The increased level of responsibility they must endure.

And if their beloved is killed, they are left to raise that family alone.

Today I salute not only the veterans and remember all those who were killed to secure our freedoms, but for all the family members who are or have grieved a military family member’s death and the difficult road to recovery on an emotional as well as financial level.

I salute you!

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An Uncommon Valentine’s Day

avatar-heartEveryday life after losing your spouse or sweetheart can be quite difficult. But handling holidays such as Valentine’s Day can be unnerving.

We start to see the advertisements on television for roses, jewelry and heart-shaped boxes of chocolate weeks before this day. Restaurants feature special dinners for two on that evening. And when you were paired with someone you love, chances are good these ads didn’t affect you.

But they do now.

The anticipation of a significant holiday or date such as the anniversary of your loved one’s death or their birthday can bring many emotions that we might not have expected. But please know that they are natural and normal.

Most of us feel such intensity around holidays because we are sad that we can no longer enjoy the closeness, experiences and love we once shared with our honey.

Some of us also are angry that they died before us. Others of us struggle with the unfairness to the point of cloistering ourselves in an effort to never be hurt again.

But there comes a time when we consciously accept that we are still alive and if we were supposed to go first, then we would have. And since this is the way things have turned out, why not live life to the fullest.

When that turn in thinking eventually arrives, it can gloriously begin a guilt-free new life whereby you take a long deep breath and with a loving kiss planted on their picture, you decide to consider new adventures.

It doesn’t mean you don’t miss them. It doesn’t mean you will not honor their memory for your children’s sake. It only means that you are now beginning a new and perhaps a somewhat scary life where the unknown awaits.

And that is a good thing.

So on Valentine’s Day, find the right thing that will make you happy. Is it the chocolate-covered pretzels, cherries or strawberries? Shall you get that massage you have been promising yourself because you miss your husband’s touch?

Will you finally accept your buddies’ invitation for a round of golf and lunch instead of sitting in front of the television alone?

Will you decide to give a little time to someone who is hurting like you and share a candlelit dinner together with a funny movie?

Or is it, perhaps, time to give that little soul at the animal rescue shelter a new life with you?

Even if you find yourself melancholy at times, no need to be embarrassed. Those who love you know this transition has not been easy for you.

So accept that kind pat on the back or hug, accept all the well wishes of those who love and care for you and remember that your sweetheart would want you to enjoy your life. Their love for you will never die.

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The Innocence of Babes

I had the privilege recently of speaking with a man who, once he learned of my work, told me a very interesting story.

It seems that both he and his father had been veterans and it had been many years since he was able to visit his father’s grave several states away.

During that time he had finished his deployment overseas, had married and seen the birth of his first child, a daughter who was now 3 and a ball of energy.

It was a melancholy trip since neither his wife nor daughter had ever met his father when his Dad was alive and that saddened him.

But the true joy came when they were walking to the gravesite and as they got closer their little daughter started to wave to the sky. This caused both he and his wife to look at each other with quizzical looks on their faces.

His daughter started to say “Hi…Hi…Hi.” And she nodded her head and seemed quite happy.

This veterans asked if I thought she was seeing her grandfather and I replied that I definitely believed that was the case.

I have personally, as have many I have known, witnessed what others would call ‘strange’ situations when you know the spirit of those who have died were kind enough to visit to bring comfort to those of us who are still living.

He told me that, yes, both he and his wife were thinking that too and it brought them such joy to know that his daughter was able to see his father after all.

When things like this happen, we might find ourselves questioning and perhaps even afraid. But if you look at it in a slightly different way, it can bring you a sense of comfort and confirmation that they are doing well and have come to let you know this. Consider it a beautiful event, similar to when you dream about your loved one. An event that can bring comfort to your soul.

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Holiday Grief: Invitations

holiday_grief_hi_res JPG Cover FINALHoliday Grief Tip # 3

Each year we receive numerous invitations to gather with family and friends. And when you’re in the thick of grieving a loved one’s death or other significant loss, there is always an uneasiness as to how to handle these invitations.

Sometimes you’ll feel especially interested in getting out and seeing everyone again. Sometimes you think there is no way you could get yourself energized enough to partake in these events.

There is a solution. If you have a business party or dinner, family or friend gathering, you can simply accept the invitation with conditions.

Let your host know that this has been a difficult time of year since the death of your spouse, child, etc. and tell them you’d like to accept their kind invitation on the condition that if you feel it’s just too much for you on that day, that they will understand your not making it to the event.

You might also add that if you do come by and feel it’s too much for you, you might choose to leave a little earlier and hope that would also be acceptable to them.

This way you have an out, either way. You can attend and leave early or you can decide against it at the last minute.

Either way you have at least graciously communicated with your host and let them know you appreciated their gesture, while reducing your anxiety and stress during the holiday season.

My book Holiday Grief: How To Cope with Stress, Anxiety and Depression After a Loved One’s Death is available now by clicking here.

How have you handled Christmas/Holiday invitation during your grieving process?